Okay, well those of you who know us know she isn't really a baby anymore, but of course she will always be my baby girl. She's 3. She's brilliant and beautiful and so funny and full of life. When did that happen? I love this little person she is becoming, but I feel like I can't hang on to the time, no matter how hard I try. I often feel at the end of the day that I missed out on something, on enjoying her as much as I should have, or on just taking the time to look at her, to notice the beauty and joy in that little face that isn't going to be "babyish" for much longer. I asked my mom once, "Is this what you always feel as a parent, constant bittersweetness?" You know, you are always looking forward to good things and milestones ahead, but then you are always sort of mourning the time that has passed too-that these little people are gone and have turned into brilliant, beautiful, funny kids, teens, young adults, and adults... "Yep," my mom replied, "that sounds about right."
This bittersweetness of parenthood. It's a wonderful, beautiful sort of aching in my heart that doesn't seem to go away. It's the sort of aching and longing that can only be answered in eternity, when we leave this temporary place and go to be with the Lord in our true home, because there we will finally and fully see all things clearly....
But anyhow, back to my little Shaelyn. I was driving her and I back from a great night with friends (Go Giants!) and she had fallen asleep in her carseat before we made it home. The excitement of the night must have caught up to her! She doesn't fall asleep in the car much anymore, and I just love to see her sleeping, looking so sweet and peaceful. It also just so happened that I was listening to one of my favorite Plumb albums called Blink, a lullaby album from a few years back. I used to sing these songs to Shaelyn when she was a baby, and I'd choke up and cry from the overwhelming emotion and joy of being a new mom. So here it was again-a beautiful, sweet song playing while I pulled into our driveway and watched my beautiful, sweet girl sleep. Then I started the song over and sung it to her, while she continued to sleep.... Me, I wouldn't trade your love for all the candy, in this great big world. And me, I feel so crazy blessed and oh, so lucky, to be the place you go, when you need to feel safe, when you need a kiss, it's me. I wash your face to make room for, all the kisses, of tomorrow. And everyday that I get to, be here with you, is sweet. And me....I don't know how to hold on to the time. It will keep moving, keep passing, sometimes slower than I want, but most of the time too fast. I don't know how to hold on to it; I only know how to be with her. How to take time for these moments where I can truly look at her and see her and enjoy her. Life will always hold distractions, things both good and bad that will compete for our time and attention and threaten to take us away from all that is truly important. I know life experiences and priorities are different for everyone, and they change with the passage of time. I'm thankful that the Lord has allowed me to stay at home with my little girl, to be with her as she grows while we teach and guide and direct her. I know this isn't everyone's experience or that everyone has the same opportunity for that. But even as a stay-at-home mom, I struggle with remembering that my family is my number one ministry and mission. I forget how fast time is passing, and that I should be investing more into my daughter than in other projects or goals that are not a priority or that I need to wait on. I know I can't give every single moment of my attention to my daughter-that would be impossible, and after all, cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking and time with friends and church involvement, among other things, are all a healthy and necessary part of family life. But at the end of the day, I want to know that I served my family well by serving them first. I want to know that I took the time to be with my little girl, to actually look at her when talking to her and to listen; to observe her and enjoy all that she is becoming; and to teach her about the amazing God who loves her and has a great plan for her life.
Sometimes to do all this means carving out a specific time each day for "Mommy and Shaelyn time." Other times it means not being on my computer until it is nap time, or not answering my phone all day (which is why when you call me you will most likely have to leave a message!). For me, it has often meant saying "no" to certain projects or things I want to pursue beyond a hobby, like my love of fitness and nutrition; or opportunities I've had to work part-time even though I don't really need to. Although these may be good things and worthwhile goals, I believe there will be a time for them in the future, but I know that for me that time isn't now. I know that right now I don't want to take away from my first and most important ministry, my family.
So for now I will wait. I will wait on all those things competing for my attention and my time. I will pray and ask God for wisdom in all things, that I would know the difference between my own plans and His. I will ask for accountability in keeping my priorities straight. And I will wait on my little girl as she grows, giving her my time and attention and care. And I will hold her and cuddle her and sing her more lullabys, because if I'm honest with myself, I may not be able to do that for much longer!
